Wednesday, 31 March 2010


bila saya sedih, saya diam.
(saya lagi suka menangis sorang-sorang sebelum tido, biarlah orang tak nampak, tapi Allah tahu)
bila saya kecewa, saya diam.
(walaupun sebenarnya sangat sakit untuk simpan sorang-sorang, sy taknak org tahu, biarlah Allah yg tahu)
bila saya marah, saya diam.
(sebab saya tak suka lepaskan dkt org lain, sbb sy pon tak suka kalau orang marah-marah, biarlah Allah yang tahu perasaan saya)
bila saya kecik hati/ terasa, saya diam
(sbb sy taknak orang lain terkena tempiasnya, biarlah sy sakit sorang-sorang walaupun kadang-kadang sakitnya sampai ke ulu hati)
bila saya terasa sangat sakit dan lemah bila diuji dengan dugaan yg berat, saya diam.
(sbb sy tahu, saya sentiasa ada Allah walaupun orang lain mungkin tak mampu sentiasa bersama saya)

walaupun saya kadang-kadang tak mampu tersenyum, dan hanya mampu terdiam, biarlah Allah yang tahu perasaan saya yang sebenar.

walaupun orang selalu ckp saya sentiasa tak berperasaan,dan tak faham apa sebenarnya dalam hati saya, saya tak kisah. sbb hanya Allah yang tahu betapa berbaurnya hati dan perasaan saya.

walaupun saya memilih untuk diam, tapi tak bermakna hati dan perasaan saya boleh diremehkan. tak bermakna saya terima semuanya. dan tak bermakna saya boleh diperlakukan sesuka hati dan hanya perlu terus mengikut kehendak semua orang. kerana saya tak mampu.

mungkin kerana saya tak suka meluahkan. kerana itulah saya sebenarnya. walaupun kata orang meluahkan itu lebih lega, tapi saya tahu bukan senang bg seorang eddy ezally zuraidy adnan itu untuk meluahkan perasaan sebenarnya.

selagi sy masih mampu bertahan menyimpan segala jenis perasaan ini tanpa memudaratkan orang lain, sy akan teruskan. walaupun saya tak tahu sampai bila sy akan bertahan.

tapi saya takut...
sy takut suatu hari nanti sy tak mampu bertahan lagi. =(

Ya Allah, berikanlah hamba-Mu kekuatan dari-Mu.
Sesungguhnya, daripadaMu kami datang, dan kepada Mu jualah kami kembali. 

“Tidaklah seseorang dikatakan pemberani dan kuat karena cepat meluapkan amarahnya, tetapi seseorang dikatakan pemberani dan kuat kalau mampu menguasai diri dan nafsunya ketika marah.”

“Dan bersegeralah menuju ampunan Allah dan surga yang luasnya seluas langit dan bumi yang dijanjikan untuk orang-orang yang bertakwa, (yaitu) orang-orang yang menafkahkan (hartanya), baik di waktu lapang maupun di waktu sempit, dan orang-orang yang mengendalikan amarah dan memaafkan (kesalahan) orang. Allah menyukai orang-orang yang berbuat kebajikan.” 
(Ali Imran [3]: 134)

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Tuesday, 30 March 2010

70 day old hug.

I can't sleep without you babe. Without even your voice to say goodnight, it ain't enough. This usually is the time i take my daily cigarettes and booze dose. Too bad i quit cause its too hard to sleep babe. With so little conversation today, tonight's even worse. I can still feel you babe, in my arms in that last hug i had before i headed to leave Kedah. Yes, it feels like your head is still on my shoulder, all wet with your tears. But the memory kills me as much as it saves me. I miss you so much it hurts. Somebody help me.

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Monday, 29 March 2010

Everyone seems to be looking for someone..

Whether you’re female seeking a male, vice versa, or any sort of mixture, everyone on the planet appears to be searching for another to be with. But what if the soul you should be looking for isn’t that of another? What if the one you should really be looking for is yourself? 

I’m all for relationships and I feel they help us to grow in ways we don’t even realise but I also think that we should stop trying to define ourselves by one other person. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the future and who and where I want to be. I have so many aspirations for the future and so many things, I know I can accomplish if I want it badly enough. Most of these goals I have however, are not achievable unless I remain a singleton but with all of my friends striving to find their suitable “other half” or having already found that “other half”, I too feel the pressure to find someone fitting to be there for the rest of my life… Scary thought!

2 months ago I turned 20. A terrifying milestone to be sure but with so much left to give the world, why is it that I find myself wondering if I’ll find someone that can actually make me want to settle! One thing I wish to accomplish is moving somewhere other than here (here being MALAYSIA), preferably Ausie or New York...(as if la) and the only way I can achieve this is to ensure I have no ties such as a “significant other” that doesn’t want to go. I think what’s maybe scaring me is one day having to make the decision between the two; aspirations & career or a love already found? Maybe not so much the decision itself as the consequences of choosing possibly the wrong one. If you make a decision and discover it’s the wrong one, what if you can’t take it back? In the land of relationships, can you ever really take anything back? 

One of my friends is happily in love and has his future planned with his guy and he is more than happy to plan it all with him, whereas another of my friends has recently been involved in a form of love square with three guys that all liked him. He took too long to decide what he wanted and has landed up losing all of them. Too afraid of making the wrong decision he ended up making the worst one of not making any decision at all. Then of course I have another friend who suffered at the hands of an abusive man all for the sake of love. Yes I have many friends and each and every one has their tangles. Which leads me to another point; when so many things can go wrong, why bother with any of it at all?

Ok, so a cynic I may be, and I possibly answered one of the questions I already asked. I think I would choose the future I’d already planned over a relationship. A cynic I most definitely am but why shouldn’t I be? Other than my grandparent I have seen no proof that relationship last these days ..

Attitudes are so different these days to what they used to be. People are much more self involved. I think I’m one of these people. Everything is taken at face value including us. Nobody looks at someone and thinks; “Wow, he looks like he has a really nice personality.” Maybe that’s why relationships don’t work these days. Well, not all of them I suppose, I’m generalising again. I suppose not much of this article has made sense, but then again, neither does the subject. Although I am a firm believer that life is much more worthwhile if you have someone there to witness it, I just don’t know if that is what life has in store for me. I think figuring out which is the lesser of the two evils is the task at hand for everyone in contemporary society. Best of luck with that! For the moment, I feel finding my own way in the world is more important, but then again, that could all change tomorrow.

xoxo till then!!~
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Sunday, 28 March 2010

A lot of things have been happening lately.

It's disheartening that, I think this past week has been one where I've felt so alive, like I haven't felt for ages, yet I've also been Dead, somehow. This current state I'm in is such a departure from the content person I was in just the previous post; it's disturbing how things change in a heartbeat.

I met quite a few interesting characters, made friends with them, confided in them. Felt happy that I've allowed people to share this bubble I'm in for a change. But I've also lost the trust of some too; I can tell that certain individuals who used to be really special to me, who used to find me special as well, are no longer the people I once knew.
Or maybe I'm no more the person they once adored.

One such person told me I changed. Yet I was always of the opinion that he was the one who changed. Funny, much.The relief I always seek from writing has been eluding me. It still is. It's not so much as I've lost all spirit for it, but maybe that very spirit needs to go into solitary and do a bit of healing for the time being.

..I need a break..

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Friday, 12 March 2010





The End

El Extremo

C'est fini

Das Ende

O fin

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Thursday, 4 March 2010

Got a little inspiration after watching 500 Days of Summer

They stood there, all smiles, eye to eye. They knew they belong to each other. Love, that’s what they called it. Not just any random coincidences, just fate it seems. Written fate. The legendary and elusive “meant-to-be”s and the “one-and-only”s. They’re having it. This is love.

Happy. That’s the look they’re giving each other as they stood on the overhead bridge. All smiles, their eyes met. She put her hand around him as he leaned on the railing. He caressed her cheeks and she smiled, then put both of his hands on her face and pulled her close.

      And they kissed.

      Such longing kisses. Not filled with lust, but with sunshine, with warmth. Pure innocence. Happy. Joy. That’s what they’re giving each other.

      And I watched. Don’t which hurt most. The fact that she’s kissing him? Or the fact that this is love, yet not mine.

      Love, she found it. The other half of a heart is not with me, but with him. Not me.

      I smiled. At least, one of us is happy. Finally, a happily ever after. Just that it doesn’t involve me. That’s all. Sorta like reading a fairy tale, seeing others happy yet, being the bystander.

      At least she’s happy.

I swear, totally fictional. But I really saw a cute couple tonight. They guy is Malaysian, the girl is a Caucasian. Really saw the way they looked at each other, saw that happiness in their eyes. Saw that

“happily-ever-after-walk-towards-horizon” thing.

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

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Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Honey, dont hang up the phone..

Why you always like that?

He hang up the phone..
I thought that he was angy.
There is no need to angry..

If you dont wanna call me..
That's okay..
I can talk to somebody.. 
my bear.. uwwaaa :(

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